Wilson Warbirds

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To the right you see a picture of the inspiration behind the Wilson Warbirds name. I wish to stress before going any further that this is not a joke on my part or on the part of the team.

This is a picture of Vollis Simpson Whirligig Park in Wilson, North Carolina. Vollis Simpson was a folk artist who mostly made kinetic sculptures called whirligigs, and he lived in a small town called Lucama which is just outside Wilson. Simpson's whirligigs are quite popular, because...I mean, come on, look at them! If you can't figure out why these are popular without me explaining it then I probably can't explain it to the likes of you. Those things are adorable. Anyway, when the Milwaukee Brewers (who own the team) first announced that the then-Carolina Mudcats were relocating to Wilson, the original plan was to name them the Wilson Whirligigs. Which, let's face it, would have been a great name. It would have been whimsical, sure, but in a natural way rather than sounding contrived like Binghamton Rumble Ponies and Amarillo Sod Poodles do. And it would be impossible to deny the local tie-in: Vollis Simpson Whirligig Park is next door to Wilson Stadium. That's about as local as it gets without actually moving one of the whirligigs to the stadium...which, now that I think about it, wouldn't have been a bad idea.

So why is the team called the Warbirds rather than the Whirligigs?

Some so-called branding "expert" said the name lacked "nuance" and suggested the similar(ish)-sounding Warbirds instead.

That is, of course, a load of horse shit. Okay, maybe it's accurate to say the Whirligigs name lacked nuance, because it's a very straightforward name. But really, who gives a damn? It's a great name. It doesn't need nuance. Warbirds is supposed to be a reference to the nearby Seymour Johnson Air Force Base, but Seymour Johnson Air Force Base isn't in Wilson. It's about thirty miles away in Goldsboro, a city which is roughly the same size. That's sort of like a team in Baltimore naming itself the Capitals because Baltimore is kinda close to Washington. If Baltimore did that everyone would realize it was a mistake. This is no different, except for the everyone realizing it part.

The logo features a bird wearing an old-style aviators helmet, which I suppose is okay given the stupid name that could have been so much better that the team mistakenly chose. No, I'm not letting it go. I suppose it theoretically makes sense, only not really because why would a bird need a helmet to go flying? Flying is what birds do. They've evolved to have sufficient head protection without wearing a helmet. I mean, I suppose I should be thankful they didn't really lean into the war portion of Warbirds by having an ostrich firing an AR-15, which would look utterly ridiculous. But I'm not thankful because this is a stupid name which could have been so much better.

Did I mention I'm not letting it go?

Final Score: 35 points.
Penalties: Alliteration, 5 pts; Humanoid (the eyes), 30 pts.
Bonuses: None.