Richmond Flying Squirrels

60

So how did a minor league baseball team in Richmond come to have a squirrel superhero as a mascot?

Once upon the time there was a flying squirrel. I'd tell you his name, but it didn't have a name because...well, because it was a squirrel. Squirrels don't have names. Because they're squirrels. Why would a squirrel need a name? It's not like there's a squirrel society where they need to know each other. If you asked a squirrel its name it'd look at you with a confused expression, as if they didn't even understand you, which they don't because they don't speak English.

Um...I got off topic, didn't I? Let me start over.

Once upon a time there was a flying squirrel. It wasn't anything special. It was just your typical flying squirrel, gliding all over the place, trying not to be eaten, looking for nuts and insects and whatever else they can get their grubby little paws on to eat because they're damn squirrels and squirrels are not exactly picky eaters...you know, squirrel stuff. I'm sure there's more to it but you don't really care and I'm not a biologist so let's just stick to what I've said so far.

Anyway, one day this flying squirrel was wandering around in his home town of Richmond, Virginia and somehow he stumbled into the headquarters of Altria. Altria, for those who don't know, used to be known as Phillip Morris and today is a major producer of tobacco, cigarettes, and medical products used to treat people who developed cancer from cigarettes and other tobacco products, and no I'm not making that last bit up, you can't make shit like this up. Anyway, humans are fine with the massive levels of irony and hypocrisy one might find in the headquarters of a company which sells products to save the lives of the people its trying to kill. Hell, humans thrive on those levels of irony and hypocrisy. But squirrels don't. And all this irony and hypocrisy...did something. What it did, and how it did it, isn't any more clear here than how radiation turns people into superheroes in comic books even though all it ever does in real life is kill people. Anyway, when the dust had settled, this flying squirrel had super intelligence (for a squirrel), super strength (for a squirrel), and the ability to actually freaking fly instead of just glide like most "flying" squirrels.

So this flying squirrel said to himself, "You know what I should do? Wait, why am I talking? How did I learn English? Didn't we establish a few paragraphs back that squirrels don't speak English? Oh, right, that was in the paragraph that was written before we started over so it doesn't count. That's why I can speak English."

"Anyway," he continued, "I should become a superhero! Yeah, really I should have no idea what a superhero is because I'm just a squirrel but really at this point magically gaining knowledge about superheroes isn't anywhere near the most ridiculous thing in this origin story so I'm just gonna roll with it and so should you." And so he set out to be a superhero. He made himself a nifty little superhero outfit and put an acorn on his chest because he knew he needed to put something there but he's just a damn squirrel and even being super intelligent for a damn squirrel doesn't amount to much so he couldn't think of anything better. He dubbed himself "Acorn Man", but then he realized he's not a man so he quickly changed it to Acorn Flying Squirrel. And then he set off to fight flying squirrel crime.

And here he ran into a problem. Squirrels don't have laws. They don't really even have much in the way of ethics. I mean, if you're a squirrel and you stumble across an acorn that some other squirrel squirreled away (sorry, couldn't resist) and you eat that acorn, the squirrel that squirreled that acorn away (okay, I'm not really sorry and I didn't actually try to resist) isn't going to care because it doesn't remember squirreling that acorn away because squirrels are stupid. The squirrel who squirreled that acorn away could stumble upon the acorn and it would be all like, "Huh, I wonder who put this here!" So Acorn Flying Squirrel wasn't actually able to fight flying squirrel crime, but he didn't really realize it because like I said, super intelligence for a damn squirrel doesn't amount to much.

Fortunately, it was about this time that a new baseball team was forming in Richmond, and that team needed a name. The team had said they were going to hold a Name The Team contest but they also said they were going to name the team whatever they wanted with no regard for what the fans said (seriously, the team actually said this). This was a level of hypocrisy that Acorn Flying Squirrel was familiar with. Maybe he thought going there would give him more power. Maybe he was just preternaturally attracted to the place. Really, who knows, haven't we established that superhero origin stories are weird? Anyway, Acorn Flying Squirrel headed over to the team's headquarters and looked at the owner who was trying to figure out what he was going to name this team, and the owner looked at Acorn Flying Squirrel and realized that he was looking at some weird-ass looking flying squirrel in a superhero suit with an acorn on its chest and so the owner suddenly screamed "THAT'S IT!" like Lucy in one of those old Peanuts strips and Acorn Flying Squirrel was bowled over like Linus or Schroeder or whoever in one of those old Peanuts strips right after Lucy has yelled "THAT'S IT!" at him. And the next thing you know the owner has decided that he's going to call the team the Flying Squirrels and he's going to make Acorn Flying Squirrel the mascot. Acorn Flying Squirrel is fine with this because he has no idea what a mascot is. (Yes, it makes no sense that he gained knowledge of what a superhero is but not of what a mascot is. Don't overthink it.) Acorn Flying Squirrel was also fine with it when the owner decided to rename him Nutzy because like I said, he's a squirrel and squirrels don't understand the concept of names. No, wait, I said that in the paragraph I wrote before I started over so it doesn't count. Whatever. None of this makes sense anymore. The squirrel didn't care because it's convenient to the origin story for him to not care. So now instead of being called Acorn Flying Squirrel he's called Nutzy.

And that's how a minor league baseball team in Richmond, Virginia came to have a squirrel superhero for a mascot. You may say it makes no sense, but I challenge you to look at that name and that logo and come up with an explanation that makes any more sense than what I just wrote. So trust me. That's how it happened.

Final Score: 60 points.
Penalties: Equipment, 13 pts; Cartoon, 47 pts.
Bonuses: None.